Seeing What’s Missing

Ever have a client's response strike you as odd, not for how it gets bigger, but because something that should be there seems missing?

Distress that is too big or scary can be abandoned, discarded, or disavowed. For example, an abuse survivor may be never angry. They don't seem to feel very distressed, as though they don’t really care about it. Apathy is often a protective covering feeling for neglected or unsafe emotions.

Other missing aspects can be ownership, hurt, loneliness, or even guilt. The brain believes accessing these feelings would put the Self at greater risk as it lacks the security to engage the level of  vulnerability required to feel them.

These are things therapists have to earn access to. Rather than be frustrated at the client, believe there is a good reason they are missing. Explore gently. Be curious about their absence. Track the feeling that is present and uncover how the absence protects the client.

Experiencing fear, guilt, or hurt when it has rarely or even never been safe to do so can be too much. Restoring safety through attunement, care, and curiosity is the best way to restore normal felt experiences.

The act of creating safety at the edge of the client’s distress tolerance is an inherent corrective experience that will earn you, and the client, access to engage is missing parts.