When Feelings Lead the Self

Feelings are fantastic assistants. Each feeling communicates something specific about our experience through its unique felt quality. Whether we are lonely, hurt, sad, or upset, a feeling is there to communicate it to the Self.

Feelings are terrible leaders. When a feeling leads, it prioritizes its specific need over everything else. It discounts other feelings that don’t validate its active experience, ignores whether its narratives or behaviors violate our values, and disregards exceptions of any kind.

When a feeling leads, it directs our thinking, talking, and behaving. We are often caught unaware and can even be shocked at what comes out of us in these moments. It’s as though the feeling says, “Oh, you (the Self) aren’t going to do anything about that? Hold my beer…”

Here’s 4 ways feelings lead the Self:

1. Flooding

   In flooding, a feeling’s intensity overwhelms the Self. Overcome by the sheer volume and “bigness” of the feeling, the Self becomes a passenger rather than the driver of our life.

   “PIE!!!” the feeling says as the Self helplessly watches it shovel pie into their mouth.

2. Collusion

   Collusion happens when the Self enmeshes with the feeling. This enmeshment offers a relief to internal discord. Basically, the Self just agrees with the feeling and lets it drive behavior. The Self may actually disagree having other values or priorities. It may even regret its choice later. But, in the moment, the Self solves internal conflict by going along with whatever the feeling wants.

   “Your arguments are impeccable,” the Self says to the feeling. “Pie is absolutely the wisest and best choice we could make.”

3. Abdication

   Abdication is a different solution for when the Self finds it too difficult to work through internal conflict. Here, the Self gives up leadership by choice and lets the feeling lead. The Self may also regret this choice, but simply can’t muster the energy to lead.

   “Whatever,” the Self says. “Eat the whole pie for all I care.”

4. Dissociation

   There are times when the internal conflict or the trigger of a past trauma can cause the Self to not only collapse, but disappear completely. In dissociation, the Self isn’t even present. It’s MIA and a feeling is left in charge.

   “Hello?” the feeling says. “Since you’re not here, I’m gonna go ahead and eat this pie, okay?"

Leading our feelings isn’t easy! But without your leadership, a feeling will seek to resolve itself at the potential expense of the rest of you. Helping clients build agency to engage their internal conflict and lead their felt experience is a core component of ASR.