THE SECOND BEST QUESTION YOU CAN ASK

It’s a rare thing when a stereotype is absolutely true, but we therapists live up to the trope. We ask our clients “How does that make you feel?” Our feelings tap into the deeper parts of ourselves, the parts of us that are the most difficult to share vulnerably.

Yet, it is not just the feeling we are looking for. ASR therapists don’t stop at the first question. We ask the second best question: “What does that mean to you? What does that feeling say?” It’s a little like math. Circumstance + Feeling = Meaning.

The meanings we create are the ones that make the most sense to us with our limited information at the time. Our brain loves making connections and rewards us when we create meaning. “Oh, I see,” we say to ourselves. “This is what is really happening right now.” And a meaning is created.

Our problem is that our meanings are often distorted. We can’t see a whole truth, just the truth of our perspective. Confirmation bias leads us to continually reinforce our false beliefs.

Without help, it can be hard for us to change the meanings we have created for ourselves. It often takes someone who can see what we are missing to help us discover a “truer” meaning. Are they just really just a jerk or are they also caught in their own inner crisis? Are we just a failure or have we lacked models to show us a better way?

As therapists, we help clients consider disregarded and excluded data to construct more adaptive narratives for distress. Change the thought and you can change the behavior. For behavioral therapies, this is the goal. For ASR, we don’t settle for just outside change. We go for the heart and help clients attend to their underlying distress and deeper needs and longings.

P.S. I know I gave you two questions though I referred to them as the second best question. The words of the question are less important than what you’re asking. Make the words your own.